Thursday, April 30, 2009

Dark Frances

Warning: Lots of the eff word.

Another warning: Big fucking emo bullshit ahead.

Okay. So I just finished watching Thirteen and maybe I'm just feeling emo. And I really fucking hate being emo, but I just gotta vent for 2.5 seconds, I promise. Fuck it. I'll vent as much as I want because this is my damn blog.

I am so sick and fucking tired of people who offer nothing but empty fucking promises of "I'm always here for you." That is such bullshit. You aren't fucking here for me. You don't give a fuck about me. Your "friendship" is so fucking empty. You are so fucking empty. People that say that never mean it. And the worst part is that I can't even be angry about it. Because I'm no better. I haven't been there for people who mean the most to me. It's like in people's moments of need, I just can't handle it. I get so fucking freaked out about the seriousness of the situation, I just leave. I feel like I'm not the one to help them. I don't ever know what to do. But you know what? In situations like that, what the fuck can you do? Nothing. Just suck it the fuck up and just sit there. And just listen. Don't even fucking say anything. Just fucking be there. That's what I want someone to do for me. I don't want you to give me advice or tell me how your situation is worse. I want someone to just fucking listen. I want just 1, just 1 fucking person to listen. And that's my fucking problem. I feel like I'm not allowed to feel. I keep my emotions in this neat little square inside of my chest and I am NEVER NEVER allowed to show weakness. And I'm fucking tired of it. Sometimes I just want to fall apart. Let it all come spilling out. Shatter this fucking illusion that everything is okay. Because it's not okay. It's just not.

Okay. Rant over. This blog has become my best friend. My listener. Sorry to those who had to withstand my potty mouth. What can I say? Fuck is the most therapeutic word available. This is why I live in my little fantasy world. When I step into reality, I get kind of overwhelmed. Ignore this post. I am sane. I just have some little break-downs sometimes.

Promise the next post will be lighter. Well, actually my next post is going to be about the movie Thirteen, so I can't really promise that. There's a reason I try to stick to posting about Twilight. Dark Frances is a little scary sometimes. That's why I keep her in that little box in my chest.

Later.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry, Frances. I won't insult your intelligence by acting like I can truly empathize with you, because I can't - I don't know the details of your situation. However, I would imagine that I can at least relate to some of your emotions. I can also relate to how much of a lifeline it can be to just have someone that can be there, and can listen. If you ever need to voice something, or need to vent, or need a second opinion, or whatever, really - you can direct message me on Twitter. I get direct messages on my phone, which is always with me, so they're like texts, and you can message anytime, any day, if you need to.

    Let me quote something you said, because it's something I'm curious about:

    "I feel like I'm not allowed to feel. I keep my emotions in this neat little square inside of my chest and I am NEVER NEVER allowed to show weakness."

    Have you asked yourself where you think that idea comes from? That idea of not being allowed to feel, or to show weakness? I only ask because, just going off my personal experience, I've felt restricted at different times by external factors, by the people I know, and by myself. I'm wondering if you've ever considered that, and, if so, if you have thought about how you could change your circumstances so that you didn't feel so restricted, or so blocked?

    Jordan

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