Friday, February 27, 2009

Heavy thoughts

Sometimes I feel this enormous pressure to go back to school and get my Masters. I've never been at a place in my life where it is okay to just wander and allow life to just happen for me. I've always been a planner and I have always taken comfort in that plan. Some part of me is in constant panic about what is going to happen for me next and another part of me is reveling in the fact that I am just drifting right now. I have always looked down on drifters and been frustrated by their satisfaction to be living a chaotic, unplanned life. Maybe that is why I am having a hard time accepting that that is what I am doing in my life right now. Is it so wrong to just allow my life to take me where it will? I am really enjoying just traveling, reading, and taking time to just breath. My whole life I have run, run, run to the next destination and I have never taken the time to just live in the moment. And now that I have the opportunity, I am thrilled and panicked at the same time. What if I am forever drifting? What if 10 years from now I am still working as a waitress? Don't get me wrong, my job is great in that it affords me the opportunity to have a flexible schedule and live the life that I want to live. But at the same time, I know I don't want to be doing this at 33. I'm afraid if I keep drifting that my dreams won't come true. I can't expect to just one day wake up and have everything I've ever wanted. Can I? It's always been my belief that to get what you dream for, you have to go and get it. Maybe I have a Jonah complex. Maybe I fear my own greatness. I want to follow my dreams, but I am paralyzed by fear. I don't think it's really fear of failure either. I'm not sure what I fear. I just know that I want to find a place in my life where I feel sure that what I'm doing is what I'm supposed to be doing. I want to happy in my life. Do people always feel this transient feeling? Like they are never where they are supposed to be in their life? Or am I just experiencing that time in your early 20's where you question everything about your existence? Am I just trying to "find myself" as they say?

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